Dissociation and opening floodgate of emotions?

hi everyone, my name is ashley and I've been told by numerous doctors that I have dissociative disorder "without amnesic barriers" whatever that means I'm not too sure, I can't really pay attention enough to my therapists words to understand what he means by that so if anyone can shed any light maybe reading it would be more helpful :) Anyways, I'm what it seems like completely cut off from my thoughts and emotions and only get little "hints" to what I'm feeling at times which these little hints are followed by severe anxiety that goes as quickly as it comes its usually worse first thing in the morning when I wake up and my conscious mind is somewhat unprotected but my mind also tries very hard to repress my feelings. I find this annoying and destroying to my life and health both physically and mentally. I look forward to those little "hints" that my mind gives me to whats going on inside me but they only show up for split seconds then I feel like I retreat again into complete nothingness. Just when I think I'm not even a person and I'm evil because I don't have feelings, someone can say the littlest thing to me, to criticize or just a slip of the tongue remark and I burst into tears. I try not to cry but even when I strain to the tears just start dripping down my cheeks and I can't stop them then I can somewhat articulate at least some thoughts and all these emotions just start coming forward...anger, sadness, guilt, fear, joy all at one time....but then its gone...I retreat back to not knowing myself and my suicidal thoughts because I cant relate to people, I'm borderline agoraphobic. I can't get a job because at my interviews when people ask me my skills I can't really remember and it doesn't feel like me even though intellectually I know it is me, I feel like a liar. I think they can sense my hesitation and "lack of confidence" because regardless how many times I call to follow up with my jobs no one ever calls me back. I used to land jobs on the first try, now I can't even get one at McDonald's, its pathetic. Anyways, I don't know if I made any sense or if this is even in question form but if anyone can relate to this I'd appreciate feedback or something because I can't live my life like this anymore and its nice to know others go through similar things and I'm not crazy or evil or a bad person. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone but its still nice to know. Thanks guys.